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Estate agent speak decoded at last

An online estate agent has published a "Jargon Translator" to bring buyers a little closer to the truth.

June 11, 2013

“The ad said this pool was lagoon-like. There’s nothing lagoon-like about it. Except for maybe the bugs. There aren’t even any plants out here.”

“I mean, I think “lagoon,” and I think waterfall, I think tropical. This is a cement hole.”

Sound familiar? The quote is from American Beauty, Sam Mendes’ satire of American middle class notions of beauty and satisfaction.

But replace the words “swimming pool” and “lagoon-like” with “sitting room” and “spacious” and it starts to sound like a conversation between the average British house-hunter and their desperate estate agent.

But, fear not, the online estate agent emoov.co.uk has blown the whistle on some of the profession’s more imaginative sales patter by publishing a list of translations of estate agent jargon.

For those in need of enlightenment here’s the Estate Agent Jargon Translator in its entirety:

Estate agent speak
“The property has excellent transport links”
Translation
“There’s a motorway and or busy railway line right next to it”

Estate agent speak
“In need of modernisation”
Translation
“This property hasn’t been updated since the 1970s and needs a complete refit”

Estate agent speak
“An ideal purchase as your first three-bedroom home”
Translation
“You can barely fit a bed into the third bedroom”

Estate agent speak
“Set within a purpose-built residential development”
Translation
“This property is in the middle of a large housing estate”

Estate agent speak
“A cosy property in a rural location”
Translation
“This property is small and the nearest shop is 20 minutes’ drive away”

Estate agent speak
“Easy-to-maintain living space”
Translation
“It’s really incredibly small”

Estate agent speak
“Conveniently located”
Translation
“Next door to a busy main road and above a take away”

Estate agent speak
“Unexpectedly re-available”
Translation
“The previous buyer pulled out at the last minute due to major problems or the surveyor revealed that the property was vastly overpriced”

Estate agent speak
“Within easy reach of local schools”
Translation
“Kids will congregate outside your house at lunchtime and drop litter all over your driveway”

Estate agent speak
“Ideal for the first-time buyer or as a buy-to-let investment”
Translation
“The property’s small and in a terrible area ”

Estate agent speak
“Tremendous scope for improvement. A real blank canvas”
Translation
“Derelict”

Estate agent speak
“In need of some updating and offered with no onward chain”
Translation
“An old lady has recently died in the house and it hasn’t been decorated since she originally moved in 50 years ago”

Estate agent speak
“A garden flat”
Translation
“A dark and most probably damp basement flat”

Estate agent speak
“Situated in a stamp duty exempt area”
Translation
“Situated in a deprived part of town”

Estate agent speak
“New price!”
Translation
“This property was massively overpriced in the first place”

Estate agent speak
“ Character….”
Translation
“Dilapidated”

Know the right questions to ask the estate agent. Check out our clever questions to ask estate agents

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